It was decided this year for tour to follow in the footsteps of that infamous coach party from the Nags Head in Peckham and have a jolly boys outing to Margate. I arrived at the club and the usual suspects had already descended onto Central Park.

This year’s fancy dress theme was Vicars and Tarts although Kenny Rogers appeared to come as Roy Cropper and Gary Francis more resembled Steven Spielberg’s ET!
Jack Knowlden, Nick and Frankie arrived looking like some sort of boy band and were henceforth known collectively as Wrong Direction.

After a kit inspection and fines dished out we boarded the coach. It didn’t take long to get “Down to Margate” but not before we had a Burger King and some complimentary donuts at the service station.

We were staying at a hotel named The Sherwood so it was quite apt that a bunch of Merry Men then poured in. Bags dumped in the rooms we headed out.

Margate has such attractions as the nostalgic Dreamland and the Turner modern art gallery however we decided to sample the town’s famous drinking establishments and taverns. This Included Margate’s oldest pub The Northern Belle which was filled with skinheads and we also frequented the Harbour Arms. This was a nice micropub on the front stocking many quality ales and ciders. Even with all this choice most of the tour party ordered up generic European lager! Me and Kenny enjoyed a fine pint of Oatmeal Porter. After this we settled at The Imperial Lounge along the front where a singer performed Ska classics whilst the sun set across the harbour. After a few Gin and Tonics a tourist who shall remain anonymous, was removed from the establishment for urinating in the ladies toilet and around this time I decided to retire back to the hotel. All in readiness for the important game on the Saturday of course.

A few of us took it upon ourselves to walk a diagonal Kenny Rogers back with us. A dodgy looking kebab was the choice of supper along the way. Once inside the hotel Kenny and Gary Knowlden couldn’t seem to locate the secret lift that Paul Warner had directed them to and Gary had to make a complaint that he couldn’t get into his room due to there being a door in the way!

In the morning we feasted on our breakfasts among the noxious methane gasses released from various members of the group. Jake Yellop having not yet slept (think he told a few people) had a breakfast of 3 jugs of Milk. Taxi’s arrived and we ventured further into the Garden of England and arrived at Thanet Wanderers Rugby Club.

Judge Church commenced court. I felt the full force of the law for many misdemeanors and had to sample the delights of a “Naughty B*stard” cocktail (White Rum, Dark Rum, Gin and Guinness) and a few shots of black Sambuca for good measure. After others were duly punished and Wrong Direction had performed our first opponents of the day arrived: Reading Abbey RFC (who we met at the Fat Blokes 7s last year) including the infamous DJ Steven Hawkin!

Boots on we kicked off. With both touring teams still heavily under the influence of alcohol, the game was an even affair. At half time the scores were tied at 17 all. There were whispers that we might have a chance of actually winning a tour game, however they were quickly hushed with the final score 27-17 to the Abbey. After a quick beer Thanet emerged from the changing rooms with what very much resembled a 1st team! With that in mind we decided to form a combined Dagenham and Abbey XV to face the locals. Although evenly matched for the first 10 minutes or so the combined tourists succumbed to their hangovers and The Wanderers won comfortably. Final score Thanet more points, Dagenham Abbey XV less points!

A mention must go to Steve Church, Russ Yellop, Gary Knowlden and Kenny Rogers who all dusted off their boots to play!

After the game Thanet had laid on cheese and biscuits and presentations were then made. The important drinking games then commenced, I think Abbey beat us in both the boat race and table sliding! Some great singing was had as well from both sets of tourists! Jake Yellop finally hit the wall and passed out and at some point in the afternoon my stomach decided to eject it’s contents vertically (Damn that black Sambuca!)

We said our goodbyes and headed back to sunny Margate. In the evening whilst some of the tour party headed off for some dancing and romancing at the local Karaoke pub I decided to join Chris Rawlinson the Elder, Russ Yellop and Kenny Rogers for a romantic meal at the local all-you-can-eat Chinese. Chris and Kenny proceeded to eat about 4 whole ducks!

Sunday morning arrived with the hotel lounge full of acquired souvenirs and as we loaded the coach it became apparent that we had lost 1 room key out of the 7 provided. This was a better return ratio than I had envisaged if I’m honest, however the hotel manager did not see it that way and we were charged a replacement fee. Taz was furious about this and nearly went all Tasmanian Devil!

As the coach drove along the Margate bay most tourists took the opportunity to get some well needed Z’s!

Thanks to Thanet for hosting and a very special thanks to Reading Abbey for joining us down there and really making it a cracking afternoon!

With talk of a Spanish tour next year we had better start saving our pennies!

Tourists 2018:
C. Rawlinson the Younger, C. Rawlinson the Elder, Kenny Rogers, Tank, Taz,
J. Fergie, J. Andrews, R. Yellop, J. Yellop, Sappo, G. Knowlden, J. Knowlden,
F. French, N. Archer, G. Francis, P. Warner, S. Church, M. Newson.